I'm Going to Raise Hell

5:30 AM
It is strange to wake up inside the library. It's not a particularly attractive building, even the back rooms. Linoleum floors, cinder block walls, fake wood counter tops in the staff kitchen.

5:32 AM
Still, anything is better than SunnyDay Retirement Home, where Every Day is Bright with Possibility.

5:34 AM
Possibility of some old person turning up their toes, most likely. I wonder why retirement homes are all named to sound like kindergarten buildings. Stick the two next to one another and you probably wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

5:35 AM
Unless you went inside, of course. Kindergarteners look different from people who are 80+ years old. Fact of life.

5:38 AM
Zeppelin just knocked over the tea. Not just the cup of tea, but the whole tray with the teapot, tea cup, sugar, and milk.

5:39 AM
And the plate of cheese and crackers and apples.

5:40 AM
I shall have to kill him and sacrifice him to the library gods. Perhaps they'll take pity and replenish the book supply.

5:41 AM
Except I can't kill him. I've only got two cats; I mustn't waste them.

6:00 AM
The mess has been cleaned up, the cat locked in the book return box until I think he's learned his lesson, and now I have a fresh pot of tea. Well! Not a bad morning after all.

7:30 AM
I've just got a huge box from a UPS man! This really is quite exciting--it must be the books ! I didn't even have to sacrifice my cat.

7:35 AM
Now I just have to get the wretched thing open. There appears to be a lack of sharp objects in the library to cut through the tape on the box. No scissors, no box cutter, no letter opener... Perhaps if I try stabbing the tape with a pencil or pen, I can make a hole and pull it apart from there with my hands?

7:38 AM
No.

8:00 AM
I can't believe I'm being foiled by a box covered in tape. I tried prying the tape up with my fingers, but my grip is too weak. I never knew how nice it was to have nimble hands until I didn't have them anymore. I hate being old. I wonder if one could get hand transplants?

8:01 AM
Probably not.

8:04 AM
I don't know what to do with this ridiculous box. It's too heavy to move anywhere, and it's stuck right here in the way of the door.

8:07 AM
Ha! SUCCESS!! I'm brilliant! I opened the box with my cheese grater. At least I can get through the cardboard now.

8:10 AM
This...does not look like something someone would pack books in. It's an insulated cooler, I think. Do books require a certain temperature to travel in?

8:11 AM
Perhaps they're preserving the books from aging? Maybe I should travel in a freezer and see how that improves my bodily preservation.

8:12 AM
GOOD GOD! These are not books!

8:14 AM
What kind of a country is this, I ask you?! I ordered books, which, the last time I checked--though, admittedly, I've been unconscious for several months--are bits of pulped wood with bits of ink on them. Ink has heavy metals in it, which is very detrimental to the environment, but the contents of this box are definitely more detrimental to the environment than ink could ever be.

8:15 AM
And detrimental to my mental health. Detri..mental health. Ha!

8:16 AM
Hahaha! Alright, I need to focus on the problem at hand.

8:17 AM
I'm going to call the UPS office and raise hell. I don't want these things decomposing in my nicely renovated library.

8:25 AM
"Hello? Yes, I--" wait, this isn't a real person, it's a machine answering their silly phone! No, I do NOT want to check the shipping status of my package, that's the whole problem--it's here, you, you... computer! I want to talk to a person.
"PERSON! LI-VING FLESH!" Please repeat? What kind of intelligent machine are you? I articulated as though you were 80 years old!

8:28 AM
This is ridiculous.

8:31 AM
FINALLY! "Yes, I have a problem with you and your entire company."
He says he's sorry. I don't think he means it.
"Actually, I ordered a package and something I didn't order arrived. Something that is very markedly not the thing I ordered."
Huh. Problems like this occur all the time, he says. What kind of a company does this sort of thing repeatedly? Aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes?
"I ordered a lot of books. Why? Because I'm a librarian. Would you like to know what I got instead? A box of frozen birds! Dead ones, with the feathers still in! What kind of sick company are you?!"
He's told me to look at the address label. I know my address, why would I--oh.

8:36 AM
There's a different mailing address on it. It's supposed to go to the Environmental Studies Office down the road.

8:37 AM
But this means nothing! They are still at fault for sending me the wrong package and mentally traumatizing an old woman with a box of frozen birds!
"This means nothing! You are still at fault for sending me the wrong--"
He said they're sending someone over to pick up the box. And he hung up. Young people are so rude these days.

8:39 AM
I should probably let Zeppelin out of the book return box.

They'll Have to Pry Me Out of Here with an Iron Bar

5:17 AM
I have unearthed a problem.

5:18 AM
One that can be circumvented, but it is one I'd rather didn't exist. The fact of the matter is...there's no shower or bath in the library.

5:20 AM
Which, under normal circumstances, would be a reasonable lack in a public library. But right about now, the lack is highly inconvenient. I shall have to French Bathe.

5:21 AM
Sponge bathe, I mean. Not French bathe in the sense of not bathing at all, like Napoleon's Josephine. I believe in Hygiene.

5:23 AM
With a capital 'H.'

6:00 AM
Nice and clean now. Time for morning tea.

6:03 AM
I shall take an inventory of everything that the library is missing after that maniac burned the books. Then I shall devise a plan to make the city pay for replacing them.

6:10 AM
Which will be difficult. Extracting money, I mean. They're already rather shirty about having had to repair the building. Miserly little monsters, politicians. Ah, well, I'll just order everything and then send them a bill to surprise them. Perhaps they'll go down quietly due to shock.

8:04 AM
It's disastrous. I think I'm going to sink into a depression. We're missing nearly a quarter of our collection. The city's going to go berserk when I send them the bill. That'll be an exciting board meeting.

8:10 AM
Hahaha. "Exciting board meeting." Practically an oxymoron.

9:00 AM
I hate computers.

9:02 AM
And online book-sellers and everything to do with ordering things online.

9:09 AM
And people who come in asking for books that are long burnt and crushed to ashes as an offering to some maniac god. Go away. No, we don't have it. Yes, I'm quite sure. Are you aware that we had dingbats breeze through here and set the building alight? No? Well now you know.

9:20 AM
At last--peace and quiet, the kind that comes when the proper amount of people are in the library.

9:21 AM
The proper amount being 1.

9:22 AM
As in, me. And my two cats, of course.

9:40 AM
HA! At last. My orders have been placed. Books will come. I think I shall go to the grocery store and stock up on cheese and crackers. On my bike! Yes! Ooh, I have missed riding my bike. There it is, chained up outside the library even now, after so long. Beckoning to me.

9:42 AM
Ooh, everything aches... What's the point of having knees if they hurt too much to move? Wouldn't it have been kinder for evolution to just give us solid, unjointed stalks to trot about on?

9:45 AM
I've just tried to walk without bending my knees.

9:46 AM
It was not successful.

9:50 AM
It's even harder to bike without bending one's knees.

10:00 AM
Cheese! Crackers! Apples! Peanut butter! Oh, truly, these are the ingredients of ambrosia. I also got more tea. One can't have too much tea.

10:53 AM
Extracted one of the cats from the book return box. I'm not even sure how he got in there in the first place, but putting your hand through the slot was like paddling in a piranha tank until I found the key to unlock the access door.

11: 15 AM
I have arranged the backrooms of the library to my satisfaction. Now, I have to find Macy and re-hire her. All the other librarians have given notice. Not me, though. They'll have to pry me out of here with an iron bar.