You're Not Allowed in My Library If...

10: 04 AM
To help me compose my letter to the mayor, I'm going to make a list of requirements that people must meet in order to be let in the library. That should keep the hooligans out.

10:06 AM
I shall post the list on the door of the Library. It shall be like Martin Luther's 95 Theses. Or the ten commandments.

10:07 AM
Only not religious. I can't abide zealously religious people.

10:10 AM
I'm also not sure I can keep my list as short as 95, let alone 10.

10:15 AM
1.) Thou shalt not touch my desk pen. Bring your own damn pen.
2.) Thou shalt not so much as chew gum in my library, let alone eat.
3.) And if thine evil fingers put thine evil gum in a book or under one of the study desks or anywhere in the library, I'll rip off said digits and feed them to my cats.
4.) No one will hear thine screams.

10:17 AM
5.) Except me and you, and I shall delight in your well-deserved torture.

10:20 AM
I wish I could forbid people to check out books, but I don't think the mayor would buy into that one.

10:28 AM
Macy's just told me that they've set up some monstrosity of a fair/carnival behind the library. Carnival: Root words carn, meaning flesh, and vale, meaning farewell. Farewell to meat. The original carnival was supposed to be the day before lent, when all the people stuffed their faces with as much happiness as they could and danced about in beads and feathers. Mardi Gras. During lent, Catholics aren't supposed to eat meat on Fridays or something, so they ate a lot at the carnival in order to say goodbye to it.

10:30 AM
I used to be Catholic. I still have my prayer beads.

10:31 AM
I like my prayer beads.

10:40 AM
I like Mardi Gras better. I used to go to New Orleans every year for it, when I was younger. And lived in Texas. Pasadena, Texas. It was a long drive to New Orleans, but it was worth it. It was worth it just to get the gumbo.

11:00 AM
Ooh, and king cake. I love king cake.

11:09 AM
Except if I get the piece with the ridiculous baby Jesus in it. I never understood that. Where's the religious logic in that? 'Hmm, we're a bunch of religious fanatics, lets bake a cake that requires one of us to gnaw on a small image of baby Christ. What a sacredly brilliant idea!'

11:15 AM
Religious logic. Silly me.

12:18 PM
I am so sick of people asking me for books. I wasn't aware that there were this many literate people in the world. I'm taking my lunch break.

12:19 PM
Note to self: remember to continue writing the Requirement Rules for coming in my library.

What a Library Should Be

9:09 AM
There's a man who's just come in. He's muttering to himself.

9:12 AM
He sounds ill.

9:15 AM
I think I'll get behind the counter and make sure the little gate to get there is nice and secure.

9:17 AM
I've locked the little deadbolt on the swinging gate and stacked a bunch of books on the counter so I can sit behind them. I also have the spray gun with the cockroach poison with me.

9:20 AM
Not that the man is doing anything wrong...

9:24 AM
No, never mind, he's just accosted a young man who was on the computers. I can't stand the people that come in here to just use the computers. This is a library. Books live here. Computers are like clockwork zombies compared to books. These young people, always checking their e-mail and blogging constantly about their pointless lives; I will never understand it.

9:25 AM
Oh, the young man's run out. The mumbling man just ran and hid in the stacks. How odd.

9:30 AM
Is he reciting Shakespeare?

9:32 AM
Definitely Shakespeare.

9:35 AM
I guess I'll have to deal with him; two people have already complained to me about him, and I can't be having these constant, selfish interruptions. I'd best take the cockroach spray with me.

"Excuse me, hello sir?" I'm not quite sure if he can hear me. Perhaps he is deaf. Or maybe he's only pretending to be deaf? How rude. Or maybe he's foreign. "HEL-LO?" When in doubt, speak real slow and loud. Well, he's looking at me now, at least.

"DO... YOU..." --I'm pointing at him, just to make sure he knows what 'you' means-- "NEED HEY-YULP?"

9:38 AM
Apparently he doesn't need help, he's run off and hidden behind a shelf.

9:40 AM
I've decided to ignore the man until he decides to say something sensible.

9:41 AM
But I still have the cockroach spray in easy reach.

9:42 AM
Frightened in my own library. Well, the public library that is practically mine. I'm here all the time.

9:45 AM
During work hours, at least.

9:47 AM
I shouldn't be forced to hide behind the counter in a library. Libraries should be peaceful and--
"QUIET!" Huh. Some kid tried to play music on the computer. Try again, you technological little twerp, and I'll practice my umbrella-savaging on you.

9:50 AM
I shall write to the mayor and tell him that there ought to be a background screening on people before they're allowed in my library.

Take Care of my Cats When I Die

8:45 PM
I came home late tonight, at about 7. I've spent the last hour and a half visiting my neighbors. Being friendly. Asking them if they would mind taking care of my cats if I died.

8:48 PM
See if I ever do anything for them. Some neighbors they are.

8:50 PM
Well, Sue Strieghkner said he'd look after them. But I don't think he meant it. What a horrid little boy. He called me old.

8:55 PM
I'm not old. I think I should go to bed now. Good night.

12:07 AM
Still not old. Using the bathroom at odd intervals means NOTHING.